This is the news of May 19, 2009: This is not some piece of advice from a marriage counselor, rather it is from the country's apex court. The Supreme Court has a recipe for a successful marriage, more so for men: Obey your wife and rule the world! If you want to buy matrimonial peace just do whatever your wife says!
A vacation bench of justices of the Supreme Court observed, "Biwi joh boltee hai woh sunno (listen to whatever your wife says), as otherwise it could land you in trouble. Because if you do not listen to her, you will suffer the consequences." "Hum sab bhogi hai (we are all sufferers)," the bench said in a lighter vein.The bench further said that a husband has to accept the suggestion of a wife irrespective of the fact whether it is sensible or not.
"If your wife asks you to put your face that side, put it that side. If she says, put it this side, then put it this side. Otherwise you will face trouble. Hum sub bhogi hai," the bench remarked again.
This news prompted me to delve deep into this subject.. I contemplated to write a stunning post on 'Tips for a successful married life'.. I have extensively done a loooot of research on it.. If there would have been a PhD awarded for it, I would be the top deserving candidate for the honor.. and maybe could be an inspiration for this movie titled.. 'Munni behen PhD in Marital Psychology'..
sounds great, doesn't it..? I've read 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus..' by John Gray.. I've read 'Surviving Men' by Shobha De.. (which was quite mean actually.. lol) and several other books on relationships by our famous expert Dale Carnegie.. I have browsed several 'Understanding men' types websites.. and so can profess to have some knowledge on the same.. For those of u for whom these tips work.. GREAT! And for those of u for whom they don't.. just understand that they are not my brain's progeny.. so I'm not to blame for any fiasco whatsoever..
Secrets for a happy lasting Marriage:
SECRET 1: PUT YOUR PROBLEMS ASIDE.
Before you deal with your problems, you first have to build good will with your spouse. And this is doable even in the most difficult marital situations. If your marriage is stressed, do NOT tackle your problems. Stop talking about things that are bound to widen the rift, the whining, the complaining and the attention you're not getting, or whatever. If your timing is off, trying to solve your problems will damage your marriage and make it LESS LIKELY that you'll ever find resolution.
Believe it or not, the secret is to STEP AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS and spend your time and energy doing specific relationship building activities. It’s counter-intuitive, but if you do this, most of your problems will dissipate, and the other people invading your marriage will become irrelevant.
SECRET 2: GET INVOLVED.. TALK & TOUCH.
How you and your spouse SPEND YOUR TIME determines the strength of your marriage. Spend it together and you'll feel connected. Do your own thing too often and you might sleep in the same bed, but you'll feel worlds apart.
Many couples are very good at coordinating compatible lives. He's got his schedule. She's got her schedule. Some couples sleep under one roof, but they lead COMPLETELY separate lives. You can achieve compatibility like this (like you had with your college roommate), which is not a bad thing, but you won't have a good marriage. You might manage your family fine, but your relationship will NOT be fulfilling. And you'll be lonely. You might not be alone, but you'll be lonely.
Establish the RIGHT HABITS and do them CONSISTENTLY. Talk and touch every day, for example, tell your spouse about your dreams. Share your fears. Tell a joke. Talk about the interesting person you met today or the pleasant memories you have of your childhood. And don't fight! Just talk. A warm hug out of nowhere can work wonders too..
Love requires SPENDING TIME TOGETHER and being involved in each other's lives. It's not about being independent; it's about being successfully INTERdependent.
SECRET 3: GIVE
Most people think that the FEELING of love comes BEFORE we express love. And in the beginning of a relationship, that's what happens. You fall in love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings inspire your actions. But mature love asks more of you. To create a strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow. After all, you don't jog two miles or skip dessert because you feel healthy. You feel healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage, YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!
SECRET 4: THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love", because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work. Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do to succeed with your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable - you can "make" love with your actions.
SECRET 5: DEVELOP A LOVING CHARACTER AND NOT JUST PERSONALITY.
"The difficultly with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character."
- Peter Devries
We can only appreciate the profundity of this statement if we understand what is meant by CHARACTER. "Personality" is easy to understand. Your "personality" is how people experience you. It's your public persona. But what is "character?" And why is "character" so crucial in your marriage? Character is who you are when no one is watching. You see, when you and your spouse met, you met each other's PERSONALITIES. You showed your spouse and you were shown by your spouse your public personas. I'm not saying you tricked each other. It's just your personality; how you display yourself to others.
But marriage lasts too long in too close quarters for anyone to sustain a public persona. Personalities eventually give way to an INNER SELF that gets revealed for the first time. You and your spouse don't meet the person who charmed each other's friends, bought gifts for each other's parents, and always smiled from ear to ear. No, this time it's a meeting of your CHARACTERS.
The reason so many people fail at marriage and an attempt at marriage renewal is NOT that they don't like their spouse. It's that they don't like THEMSELVES. And while everyone else in their life is like a mirror reflecting their personality; their spouse is a mirror reflecting their character. And most people don't like what they see. Most people wouldn't be caught dead treating anyone the way they treat their spouse. They don't recognize their own behavior. Develop a strong endearing character from inside and not just a personality from outside which will prompt your spouse to love you for what you really are..
SECRET 6: BE CAREFUL AND MINDFUL OF WORDS AND ACTIONS.
Do you remember when you and your spouse were so CAREFUL with each other that you measured your words and watched your behavior? And then you got careless. Then you started to take each other for granted. One of the keys to restoring a marriage is to re-instill FEAR in each other. I don't mean fear like you fear a robber. I mean fear like you would fear carrying a million dollar antique vase. You wouldn't want to drop it. You'd be so careful. You'd do everything you could to protect its condition. You should bring that consciousness back to YOUR marriage.
Words hurt you and do more harm than physical injuries.. They break your heart. In frustration or rage, people say the dumbest things and use the most obscene language. Even if you or your spouse didn't mean to say it, once it's said, the damage is done. That’s why it's so important for spouses to learn to control themselves and watch what they say.
Do I hear u say.."But hey, I was just being HONEST." People think they can say anything in the name of honesty. But, when you hurt someone with your words, it's not honest; it's stupid. And it's insensitive. Truth (in relationships) is not just a statement that's factually accurate. It's a statement expressed with the utmost concern for another person's feelings.
SECRET 7: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT MARRIAGE.
Have you ever been to a winery? Can you imagine what it would be like to be one of those grapes? Really...play along with me here for a moment. Can you imagine what it would be like to be plucked, pushed, crushed, pressed, skinned, and fermented? OUCH! The pain! What's the point of it all?
A lot of people feel that way about the pain they experience in their marriage. "Why am I doing this? Where is this relationship going?" But just as a grape goes through a difficult process before it becomes a fine wine, sometimes our marriage has to go through a painful process before it matures.
The people who have the best marriages are NOT people who grew up well-adjusted, have healthy adult lives, and normal parents. People like that usually have OKAY marriages. The BEST marriages are with couples who were crushed, who went through a painful process, and who built their relationship from the ruins of broken hearts.
Pain is often the preview to pleasure. Any woman who has experienced child birth can testify to this truth. In order to turn your marriage around, you have to take RESPONSIBILITY. A responsible person is not a victim to their circumstances. They are the master of their fate. How you respond to your marital circumstances today WILL determine your marital circumstances tomorrow. YOUR actions create your marriage. You can turn sour grapes into a fine wine.
In conclusion let me remind u.. THE BEST GIFT U CAN GIVE UR CHILDREN IS TO LOVE EACH OTHER.
You're probably trying your best to be a good parent, right? Think for a moment about all the time, energy, and money you put into your children. You send them to the best schools, help them with their homework, buy them the cutest clothes, work hard to save for their college education, take them to the best doctors, plan special birthday parties, drive them to football practice, and make their favorite dinner.
That’s all fine, but makes no mistake about it; the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do for your children is NONE of those things. The most important thing you can do for your children has nothing to do with their education, entertainment, athletic endeavors, or even their physical health. The most important thing YOU can do for your children is to have a GREAT MARRIAGE with your spouse.
It's hard to be a good parent unless you have a good marriage. Why? Because teaching your children how to succeed in love is your MOST IMPORTANT responsibility. There will be nothing more important in your children's lives than the success of their marriage. (I know you know that.) And who's going to teach them how to love their spouse. You are! But they won't learn it from what you say; they’ll learn it from the life you lead...they'll learn it from YOUR marriage. I know you can do it.. All the best!!
A vacation bench of justices of the Supreme Court observed, "Biwi joh boltee hai woh sunno (listen to whatever your wife says), as otherwise it could land you in trouble. Because if you do not listen to her, you will suffer the consequences." "Hum sab bhogi hai (we are all sufferers)," the bench said in a lighter vein.The bench further said that a husband has to accept the suggestion of a wife irrespective of the fact whether it is sensible or not.
"If your wife asks you to put your face that side, put it that side. If she says, put it this side, then put it this side. Otherwise you will face trouble. Hum sub bhogi hai," the bench remarked again.
This news prompted me to delve deep into this subject.. I contemplated to write a stunning post on 'Tips for a successful married life'.. I have extensively done a loooot of research on it.. If there would have been a PhD awarded for it, I would be the top deserving candidate for the honor.. and maybe could be an inspiration for this movie titled.. 'Munni behen PhD in Marital Psychology'..
sounds great, doesn't it..? I've read 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus..' by John Gray.. I've read 'Surviving Men' by Shobha De.. (which was quite mean actually.. lol) and several other books on relationships by our famous expert Dale Carnegie.. I have browsed several 'Understanding men' types websites.. and so can profess to have some knowledge on the same.. For those of u for whom these tips work.. GREAT! And for those of u for whom they don't.. just understand that they are not my brain's progeny.. so I'm not to blame for any fiasco whatsoever..Secrets for a happy lasting Marriage:
SECRET 1: PUT YOUR PROBLEMS ASIDE.
Before you deal with your problems, you first have to build good will with your spouse. And this is doable even in the most difficult marital situations. If your marriage is stressed, do NOT tackle your problems. Stop talking about things that are bound to widen the rift, the whining, the complaining and the attention you're not getting, or whatever. If your timing is off, trying to solve your problems will damage your marriage and make it LESS LIKELY that you'll ever find resolution.
Believe it or not, the secret is to STEP AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS and spend your time and energy doing specific relationship building activities. It’s counter-intuitive, but if you do this, most of your problems will dissipate, and the other people invading your marriage will become irrelevant.
SECRET 2: GET INVOLVED.. TALK & TOUCH.
How you and your spouse SPEND YOUR TIME determines the strength of your marriage. Spend it together and you'll feel connected. Do your own thing too often and you might sleep in the same bed, but you'll feel worlds apart.
Many couples are very good at coordinating compatible lives. He's got his schedule. She's got her schedule. Some couples sleep under one roof, but they lead COMPLETELY separate lives. You can achieve compatibility like this (like you had with your college roommate), which is not a bad thing, but you won't have a good marriage. You might manage your family fine, but your relationship will NOT be fulfilling. And you'll be lonely. You might not be alone, but you'll be lonely.
Establish the RIGHT HABITS and do them CONSISTENTLY. Talk and touch every day, for example, tell your spouse about your dreams. Share your fears. Tell a joke. Talk about the interesting person you met today or the pleasant memories you have of your childhood. And don't fight! Just talk. A warm hug out of nowhere can work wonders too..
Love requires SPENDING TIME TOGETHER and being involved in each other's lives. It's not about being independent; it's about being successfully INTERdependent.SECRET 3: GIVE
Most people think that the FEELING of love comes BEFORE we express love. And in the beginning of a relationship, that's what happens. You fall in love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings inspire your actions. But mature love asks more of you. To create a strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow. After all, you don't jog two miles or skip dessert because you feel healthy. You feel healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage, YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!
SECRET 4: THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love", because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work. Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do to succeed with your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable - you can "make" love with your actions.
SECRET 5: DEVELOP A LOVING CHARACTER AND NOT JUST PERSONALITY.
"The difficultly with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character."
- Peter Devries
We can only appreciate the profundity of this statement if we understand what is meant by CHARACTER. "Personality" is easy to understand. Your "personality" is how people experience you. It's your public persona. But what is "character?" And why is "character" so crucial in your marriage? Character is who you are when no one is watching. You see, when you and your spouse met, you met each other's PERSONALITIES. You showed your spouse and you were shown by your spouse your public personas. I'm not saying you tricked each other. It's just your personality; how you display yourself to others.
But marriage lasts too long in too close quarters for anyone to sustain a public persona. Personalities eventually give way to an INNER SELF that gets revealed for the first time. You and your spouse don't meet the person who charmed each other's friends, bought gifts for each other's parents, and always smiled from ear to ear. No, this time it's a meeting of your CHARACTERS.
The reason so many people fail at marriage and an attempt at marriage renewal is NOT that they don't like their spouse. It's that they don't like THEMSELVES. And while everyone else in their life is like a mirror reflecting their personality; their spouse is a mirror reflecting their character. And most people don't like what they see. Most people wouldn't be caught dead treating anyone the way they treat their spouse. They don't recognize their own behavior. Develop a strong endearing character from inside and not just a personality from outside which will prompt your spouse to love you for what you really are..
SECRET 6: BE CAREFUL AND MINDFUL OF WORDS AND ACTIONS.
Do you remember when you and your spouse were so CAREFUL with each other that you measured your words and watched your behavior? And then you got careless. Then you started to take each other for granted. One of the keys to restoring a marriage is to re-instill FEAR in each other. I don't mean fear like you fear a robber. I mean fear like you would fear carrying a million dollar antique vase. You wouldn't want to drop it. You'd be so careful. You'd do everything you could to protect its condition. You should bring that consciousness back to YOUR marriage.
Words hurt you and do more harm than physical injuries.. They break your heart. In frustration or rage, people say the dumbest things and use the most obscene language. Even if you or your spouse didn't mean to say it, once it's said, the damage is done. That’s why it's so important for spouses to learn to control themselves and watch what they say.
Do I hear u say.."But hey, I was just being HONEST." People think they can say anything in the name of honesty. But, when you hurt someone with your words, it's not honest; it's stupid. And it's insensitive. Truth (in relationships) is not just a statement that's factually accurate. It's a statement expressed with the utmost concern for another person's feelings.
SECRET 7: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT MARRIAGE.
Have you ever been to a winery? Can you imagine what it would be like to be one of those grapes? Really...play along with me here for a moment. Can you imagine what it would be like to be plucked, pushed, crushed, pressed, skinned, and fermented? OUCH! The pain! What's the point of it all?
A lot of people feel that way about the pain they experience in their marriage. "Why am I doing this? Where is this relationship going?" But just as a grape goes through a difficult process before it becomes a fine wine, sometimes our marriage has to go through a painful process before it matures.
The people who have the best marriages are NOT people who grew up well-adjusted, have healthy adult lives, and normal parents. People like that usually have OKAY marriages. The BEST marriages are with couples who were crushed, who went through a painful process, and who built their relationship from the ruins of broken hearts.
Pain is often the preview to pleasure. Any woman who has experienced child birth can testify to this truth. In order to turn your marriage around, you have to take RESPONSIBILITY. A responsible person is not a victim to their circumstances. They are the master of their fate. How you respond to your marital circumstances today WILL determine your marital circumstances tomorrow. YOUR actions create your marriage. You can turn sour grapes into a fine wine.
In conclusion let me remind u.. THE BEST GIFT U CAN GIVE UR CHILDREN IS TO LOVE EACH OTHER.
You're probably trying your best to be a good parent, right? Think for a moment about all the time, energy, and money you put into your children. You send them to the best schools, help them with their homework, buy them the cutest clothes, work hard to save for their college education, take them to the best doctors, plan special birthday parties, drive them to football practice, and make their favorite dinner.
That’s all fine, but makes no mistake about it; the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do for your children is NONE of those things. The most important thing you can do for your children has nothing to do with their education, entertainment, athletic endeavors, or even their physical health. The most important thing YOU can do for your children is to have a GREAT MARRIAGE with your spouse.
It's hard to be a good parent unless you have a good marriage. Why? Because teaching your children how to succeed in love is your MOST IMPORTANT responsibility. There will be nothing more important in your children's lives than the success of their marriage. (I know you know that.) And who's going to teach them how to love their spouse. You are! But they won't learn it from what you say; they’ll learn it from the life you lead...they'll learn it from YOUR marriage. I know you can do it.. All the best!!
6 comments:
AsSalaam Alaikum Armina,
glad to see you back.What wonderful points about marital harmony,gotta read again and again and make sure I implement each of those.thanks so much dear:)
Walaikumsalaam Yasmeen.. Thanks, I'm really glad to be back too:) Thanks for stopping by dear!
Wow, that a good informative post, I have ever seen. People do spend a lot in councelling these days...well, I applaud ur effort. Keep ur great work going dear.
Asalam-wa-lekum!!...lovely post...
bohat informative tha...inshallah will implement them...thanks
Thanks Malar.. I'm glad u like the post.. thanks for stopping by :)
Walaikumsalaam Anju.. thanks dear.. n missing ur posts on ur blog.. come back :((
Waaaaaat!? that is from the Supreme Court of India!..tsk tsk hypocrisy muchhhhh I say
'Munni behen PhD in Marital Psychology'...aahahahahahaha..LOL!
Thanks for those secrets..we all need some tuning from time to time..I loved the part where it says "THE BEST GIFT U CAN GIVE UR CHILDREN IS TO LOVE EACH OTHER."...so so true.
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